The iPod meme, Mom version

My dear blog friend Elle hijacked the iPod meme and tweaked it to suit the sensibilities of Moms, tagging me with it. In her words, as well the instructions...

Here is the Mom version, composed in comfy clothes on a rainy Wednesday afternoon, dedicated to the Moms investing in the lives of their children. Enjoy and laugh today.

1. Put your iPod (or MP3 player) on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS!
4. Tag some Moms you admire who could use a laugh and a song.

HOW DID YOU BECOME A MOM?
We Win! by David Crowder Band (A Collision)

WHAT DID YOU THINK THE FIRST TIME YOU SAW YOUR BABY?
Ready by Third Day (Revelation)

WHAT DID YOU DO THE FIRST MORNING AFTER A SLEEPLESS NIGHT?
Revelation by Third Day (Revelation)

WHAT DO YOU SAY WHEN SOMEONE COLORS ON THE WALL?
Keep On Shinin' by Third Day (Wherever You Are)

HOW DO YOU DEAL WITH A TODDLER’S BODILY FLUID ISSUES?
Indescribable by Chris Tomlin (Arriving)

IF SOMEONE SAYS “Can I have a snack?” YOU SAY?
Praise You With the Dance by Casting Crowns (Casting Crowns)

IF SOMEONE LEAVES THEIR STUFF ON THE FLOOR, YOU SAY?
Do Not Move by David Crowder Band (A Collision)

IF SOMEONE ISN’T SICK TODAY, YOU SAY?
Your Grace is Enough by Chris Tomlin (Arriving)

HOW DO YOUR KIDS ENJOY YOUR COOKING?
Say Won't You Say by Jennifer Knapp (Jennifer Knapp: The Collection)

HOW DID YOUR KIDS DO IN SCHOOL TODAY?
Restore to Me by Candi Pearson-Shelton (Glory Revealed)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF WHILE SITTING IN CARPOOL LINE?
Carry My Cross by Third Day (Wherever You Are)

HOMESCHOOLERS, WHAT IS THE FIRST SUBJECT TAUGHT OF THE DAY?
Make Us One by Cindy Morgan (Exodus)

WHAT DO YOUR KIDS WANT TO BE WHEN THEY GROW UP?
Never Alone by BarlowGirl (Another Journal Entry)

WHAT DO YOU WANT YOUR KIDS TO BE WHEN THEY GROW UP?
Make a Joyful Noise/I Will Not Be Silent by David Crowder Band (The Lime CD)

WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY AS A MOM?
Desperate People by Hillsong United (All of the Above)

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE’S PURPOSE AS A MOM?
King of Glory by Third Day (Offerings)

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO AS A MOM?
Take It All by Third Day (Revelation)

HOW DID YOU KNOW YOU WERE REALLY A MOM?
Marvelous Light by Charlie Hall (Passion: How Great is our God)

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT MOST OFTEN AS A MOM?
Sing Mary Sing by Jennifer Knapp (WOW: Christmas)

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY AS A MOM?
All These Lives by Daughtry (Daughtry)

WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET AS A MOM?
No Ordinary Love by tobyMac (Portable Sounds)

WHAT IS THE BEST THING YOU’VE EVER DONE AS A MOM?
No One Like You by BarlowGirl (Another Journal Entry)

WHAT DO YOUR KIDS DO THAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
Big Enough by Chris Rice (A Night in Rocketown)

WHAT DO YOUR KIDS DO THAT MAKES YOU CRY?
So Afraid by Bebo Norman (Myself When I Am Real)

WHAT DO YOUR KIDS DO THAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?
Intoxicating by David Crowder Band (Illuminate)

HOW DO YOUR KIDS DESCRIBE YOU AS THEIR MOM?
Thank You for Hearing Me by David Crowder Band (Can You Hear Us?)

IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
Let Us Love and Sing and Wonder by Jars of Clay (Redemption Songs)

WHAT WILL YOUR MOM OF THE YEAR CERTIFICATE SAY?
Lay It Down by Jennifer Knapp (Jennifer Knapp: The Collection)

Bonus points if you can guess my two favorite bands! :-) However, I must say the shuffle feature did not adequately represent the diversity of music on my iPod...I do in fact own music apart from DCB and Third Day!

Did you catch the irony of the car line answer?

Anyone else up for a chuckle or two? I tag all you moms out there--feel free to grab the meme and let us know in the comments so we can see what your iPod has to say!

L.M. Montgomery Reading Challenge: Emily of New Moon

For Carrie’s L.M. Montgomery Reading Challenge, I picked up Emily of New Moon from our local library, my only reason for my choice being it was the only non-Anne book available. (That’s Anne of Green Gables for those of you unacquainted with LM Montgomery—a definite must read!)

I have to admit that I was a little skeptical upon beginning reading of Emily’s exploits. They were a little too similar to Anne’s: a young orphan girl living with spinster siblings and having an obsession with naming trees. I even wondered to myself why Ms. Montgomery didn’t have any more imagination than to recreate the same story but with a brunette rather than a redhead?

But I kept reading and it wasn’t long before I was completely enthralled with Emily and her story. True, there are many similarities yet where Anne’s story is light enhanced by funny, Emily’s is light tempered by shadows. She suffers the loss of her father, for example, in the opening chapters of Emily of New Moon. Anne, on the other hand, is an orphan from page one, with no memory of her parents. Emily’s story is said to be somewhat autobiographical which no doubt accounts for the hint of realism in L.M. Montgomery’s prose. Perhaps like Ms. Montgomery, Emily must write and write she does. In fact, her determination to write seems to provide the overarching theme of the novels. Emily is ambitious and proud, determined to be all that Emily of New Moon ought.

I liked Emily--so much so that I devoured the first book in the trilogy and immediately made a trip to the library for the next two: Emily Climbs and Emily's Quest .


I didn’t like Emily Climbs nearly as well as the other two novels yet all three were great reads. Not to give too much away, but Emily's Quest was, to me, somewhat frustrating because of the delay of the inevitable. So much time wasted due to a silly misunderstanding only to be resolved in a few scant paragraphs!

Thanks to Carrie for hosting the LM Montgomery Reading Challenge! Anne of Green Gables is a dear friend from my girlhood so I was glad for the opportunity to read more from her creator! If you’re looking for a great series of books, for yourself or your daughter, be sure to check out the Emily of New Moon trilogy as well as our beloved Anne!

Good news, anyone?

Okay, raise your hands if you're weary of all the angst posing as blogging around here...

Yeah, me too.

Alright, now raise your hands if you're ready for some good news for a change...

Yeah, me too!

So, anyone have any good news to share? :-)

As for me, you must know already how hard it is for a melancholy like myself to come up with anything resembling good news (just check out my most recent posts), but I've managed, somewhat...

Like my son's team winning the county basketball championship Saturday. I have to tell you, it was amazing. And exciting. And any other good news kind of superlative you can come up with! This is the same team who finished last season with only four wins, now county champions! They aren't an especially talented team, just scrappy, playing hard and working hard and in the process figuring out how to win.

Also good: I had lunch with a dear friend today. We chatted; we laughed, mostly at ourselves; we shared concerns; we boasted in the Lord. All over Chinese food. It was good. Very good.

It was 72 degrees when I picked the kids up from school yesterday. Though I can't quite decide if that was good news or bad news for the end of January, particularly since it is only a little over half that right now at 38 degrees and snow in the forecast. (No accumulation, bad news)

Bible study this morning--very good news! My hiatus has served me well in at least one capacity (and many more): I am so grateful to meet together with a group of women in the study of God's Word. I was so thirsty for it; much more than I realized. What privilege is mine! What grace!

The very best news--from Ezek. 36:25-27 which we discussed in Bible study this morning...

I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you shall be clean from all your uncleannesses, and from all your idols I will cleanse you. And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit within you, and cause you to walk in my statutes and be careful to obey my rules.

A new heart, a new Spirit, His Spirit within us--how great a salvation! Good news, indeed!

On deductive reasoning, a lament and things I forget

A few weeks ago, I made the following realizations:

1. While I have a college degree (thank you, Mom and Dad!), it is not exactly a degree that translates directly into a profession. Like, for example, an engineering degree = being an engineer. A nursing degree = being a nurse. A math degree = ?
2. I have been a stay at home mom for almost fifteen years.
3. Thus my job skills include doing laundry and loading the dishwasher. Neither of which I accomplish on a regular basis.

My deductive reasoning has led to all sorts of panic induced worry. Or worry induced panic, take your pick. It goes something like this: I have no marketable skills! I'm a nothing! I've done nothing! What if something happened to my husband? Maybe I was supposed to be and do something else? Maybe I messed up the Lord's plan for me? Woe is me!

Pitiful, I know.

My husband, knowing not how to rightly deal with panic prone females (and who does?), has at turns 1) let me fuss and cry, 2) offered to get more life insurance, and 3) rebuked me ever so gently. Okay, I'm thinking maybe he does know how to rightly deal with panic prone females. He's had lots of practice, to be sure.

The other night I returned to my lament, "Oh, poor, pitiful me, I have no marketable skills!" Though this is the third or thirtieth time he heard it, he asked me, "And why do you need marketable skills?"

"To be important," I answered as tears sprung to my eyes.

See, it's more than just a worry about how I would provide for my family if something (God forbid) happened to my husband; it is also a desire for legitimacy. To remind myself of my own importance. It's stupid, I know. I know that this job I do, though I don't do it all that well, is important and of extreme consequence. It just doesn't always feel that way. More often than not, I feel like a big fat (anonymous) failure caught in an endless cycle of mundanity (which may not be a word but it sure feels like reality).

"You know the scriptures better than that," my husband chided me. He's right. I do. I forget.

I forget that the Lord is sovereign, that I am not.

I forget He will provide, no matter what may or may not happen to my husband.

I forget I can trust Him, that my worry is at its essence a lack of trust.

I forget that His grace is more than sufficient, that my biggest need is not skills or accomplishment but forgiveness of sin and right standing before my Creator.

I forget He's granted me both of those things...and much, much, MUCH more...in the Person and work of Jesus Christ.

I forget He knows the plans He has for me, and He is able to complete the work He began.

I forget that whatever I do--laundry, dishes, hauling kids to and fro--it is opportunity for me to exalt the Lord Jesus Christ. He is as much glorified in the humble and the ordinary as He is in the big and exciting, if it is done in His name.

I forget I am to trust Him today--and tomorrow--seeking first His kingdom and His righteousness. He is faithful!

On my Nightstand, January

Yes, it's time for 5 Minutes for Books' monthly carnival, "What's On Your Nightstand?" in which participants post what they're reading, on the nightstand or no.

Currently reading:

The Gospel According to Jesus: What Is Authentic Faith?by John MacArthur

Brokenness: The Heart God Revives by Nancy Leigh Demoss (for our ladies' Bible study meeting on Wednesday mornings)

Just finished:

All I Need Is Jesus and a Good Pair of Jeans: The Tired Supergirl's Search for Grace by Susanna Foth Aughtmon (look for my upcoming review at 5 Minutes for Books)

The Book Thief by Markus Zusak (loved it!)

Hope to begin soon:

Les Miserables by Victor Hugo (for the Classics Bookclub at 5 Minutes for Books--it's a long one so I need to begin soon!)

Perhaps Come Along: The Journey into a More Intimate Faith by Jane Rubietta or Tender Grace by Jackina Stark, both titles for review.

What about you? What are you reading? Let us know!

National Handwriting Day

Evidently I should've followed Kim's lead and employed lined paper!

HT: Kim @ Hiraeth

Friday's Favorites

My blog friend Susanne at Living To Tell the Story hosts the Friday Fave Five carnival; participants post (what else?) their five favorite things of the week. So, here's mine...

1. Heated seats in my suburban. I know, I know, I live in the South and our cold is another's balmy (Susanne for example lives in Canada where it's COLD like for real). But still, I love them. Truly my favorite "extra" I acquired when I acquired my husband's suburban.

2. Community Coffee.


We have some friends from Louisiana who rave about this coffee produced right there in the Bayou and their praise is entirely justified. It is now available in our grocery store; just this morning I brewed a pot of "Between Roast" and it is wonderful...

3. The Book Thief.

I started reading this last night around 8:00 and I read 200 pages before I could put it down. It's different, compelling, unique, and (so far) a fantastic story. I am fighting the temptation to spend the rest of the day curled up on the sofa with a cup of Community Coffee, reading until it's finished. I won't. But I might.

4. Close basketball games that end with a victory obtained by a last second shot against our rival earning us a spot in the tournament championship game. And my boy making the winning shot (though he hadn't hit anything the whole game and even as he put the ball up I was thinking "don't shoot! pass it! please, please don't shoot!"--oh me of little faith)--well, that was icing on the cake.

5. Bible study on Wednesday morning. I am so excited about all that the Lord will teach us as we study biblical Brokenness. A tough topic, to be sure, but I pray that the Lord would transform us through the study of His Word and that we would know the "more grace" He gives to the humble...

What about you? What are you five favorites of the week past? Link up over at Susanne's and check out other Friday favorites!

Passing the mantle

Several years ago, I began teaching ladies' Bible study first in my church and then as a community group, as I've told you before. Not long after I began the community study, I was chatting with a member of the group. I don't remember the exact context of our conversation, but I do remember her saying to me in regard to the Monday night study that it may well be something the Lord would have me start only to pass it on to someone else.

I wish I could say I received her words as she intended them, as an encouragement and a release. She was reminding me it was the Lord's work, not mine, one He may call me to raise up or lay (lie?) down or both.

My pride was wounded somewhat because I heard her say she didn't view me as a necessary ingredient to the group. Hell-o, I'm not, but I didn't really like being told as much.

Pride, I told you. Puffed up, self absorbed, it's-all-about-me, shamefully shameless pride.

Turns out my friend was not only wise but right. Due to a variety of circumstances I ended up taking a long, unplanned (albeit necessary) hiatus from teaching Bible study. Though I missed it terribly, I knew it was something I had to lay (lie?) aside for a time. I learned many things during those eight long months out of the teacher's chair, some of which I've chronicled here.

In regard to Bible study, I realized all over again what I knew to be true--that I am not indispensable, that it is the Lord's work, not mine, and that He asks me to lay (lie?) everything before Him, to do with as He pleases.

So I no longer teach Monday night Bible study. My friend has picked up the mantle, leading a group on Tuesday nights instead. I cannot tell you the joy that brings me. My friend has all the necessary ingredients of a great teacher: humility, authenticity and a glad willingness, and I am so very happy we are partners in the ministry of the gospel!

As for me, I did return to teaching Bible study. No longer on Monday nights, but Wednesday mornings. Something I have always longed to do, really, but my loyalty and sense of responsibility to my Monday night girls kept me from it. Oh, it was good. Returning to what you love and what you feel called by God to do, saying yes to Him, it is like coming home.

The me that I am

Today I am pondering the me that I am and the me I want to be. The two are not the same, though I fervently wish they were. In one of my posts last week I wondered if I am the same here on the computer screen as I am in car line or at a basketball game. The answer to the question is, sadly, I am not. Neither reflects the full picture of me, yet both are true. I do not pretend that either portrait is perfect nor complete.

I also wrote that I feared the hypocrite within, and I do. For good reason, as Jesus had many harsh words for those guilty of hypocrisy, the Pharisees who made a pretense of their good works and religious fervor for personal gain and elevated self righteousness (see Matt. 23:25-28); truly they have their reward in full He ominously promises.

With the dichotomy between the me I am and the me I should be, the me who longs to be found faithful and the me who stumbles and falls and sins and rebels and offends...am I the hypocrite? I confess that sometimes, yes, I am. Sometimes I care more for my own sense of self righteousness than I care for the glory of the Lord. Sometimes I want the approval of others and sometimes I seek after it. Sometimes I bring reproach upon my Lord by the way I act in car line, at the grocery store, in my home before my husband and children.

For this, and more, I repent. My conviction is heavy and my guilt is great.

I find comfort in Romans 7 where Paul describes his struggle, and mine, between what is and what should be...

For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate...So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells in me. For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me.

So I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand. For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! (Rom. 7:15-25)

Like Paul, I don't understand myself. I don't do what I want to do. I am not the me I want to be. Instead, like Paul, I do what I don't want to do. I am not the me I should be and want to be and ought to be. I sin. I rebel. I exalt myself. I understand Paul's dilemma: I too delight in the Word of God, but inside I am wretched and at war with my flesh.

I need a Savior. Like Paul, I cry out, Who will set me free? And like Paul, I rejoice with thanksgiving as I acknowledge that my salvation and my freedom come through the Lord Jesus Christ! Thanks be to God!

My struggle with the me I am and the me I am not will endure as long as I draw breath. You will not find perfection in me, not here on the computer screen and not in car line. Instead, as I wrote last week, what I am is an ordinary woman, a sinner, a wretched no good hypocrite, saved by the glorious grace of a sovereign loving God. It is through Christ I am set free! In Him I have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sin according to the riches of His grace which He has lavished on me, not of my own doing, but the gift of God! To the praise of His glory!

Observations

1. It's cold. Nine degrees kind of cold when I took the boys to school this morning.

2. When one son has a volcano project due today and another son has jacket buttons that must be sewn before his choir performance this evening, it is a good time to have my mother visit as she is quite skilled at projects and sewing both.

3. I am not, and never will be, a fashionista. Case in point: The other day my son asked me, "Mama, why are you so dressed up?" He was obviously impressed. I was wearing (unironed) khakis, a turtleneck, and, oh yeah, lipstick.

4. Sanctification is an ongoing process. I won't confess to you how I know this to be true, but I do.

5. My second son is a born performer. My husband and I are both puzzled as to whence he came.

6. I know I've mentioned this a time or twenty, but I love coffee. In the mornings, yes. In the evenings, particularly after a really good meal, absolutely. With dessert, especially. When it's sub freezing outside, fill 'er up and keep it coming.

7. Did I mention it's cold?

Blogger's block

I've set the timer. My time is limited this morning, yet I feel the urge to write something, anything. So I set the timer for the precious few minutes I have before I have to get ready, get out the door, and get on with a very busy day.

So my time is limited. My urge to write is strong. My words...they are gone.

It is frustrating, to have the desire to blog only to sit down, fingers at the ready, and...nothing. I've already tried writing of nothing and let's just say it doesn't work so well for me.

I think part of my blogger's block comes from some weirded out, overachieving, perfectionist tendencies that lie deep within my psyche. For instance, it's come to my attention over the past couple of weeks that far more people that know me in real life are reading my blog than I realized. Which is GREAT! More than once I've made the comment that bloggers love readers. We do! (can I get an amen?)

But now I wonder...what do people who know me for real see in these simple reflections? Can I tell you how much I fear appearing the hypocrite? Or inadvertently offending? Am I the same on the computer screen as I am in car line? Maybe I don't want to go there...

And then there's the whole Facebook deal. As a result, I feel the (self inflicted) pressure to write something brilliant, to impress, to somehow validate myself to myself, if that makes sense. It doesn't, I know. Brilliance cannot be mustered up on a whim--as is painfully obvious in this very post...

Eight minutes left...

Whether you see me a few times a week at church or in the stands at a basketball game...whether you knew me way back when our hair was permed and our shoulder pads broad...whether you only know me as a profile pic and an url...I hope what you see here is a very ordinary woman living a very ordinary life, a messy, chaotic, busy, overwhelming life, but an ordinary one just the same. I want to write (blogger's block, be gone!) with the kind of authenticity and transparency that shows me weak but my Lord strong.

Time's up!

The Foolish

I hate feeling foolish. Appearing foolish is even worse.

Case in point (a long, convoluted one at that): My son's show choir will be performing this weekend, three times, Friday night, Saturday afternoon and Saturday evening. Tables are available for purchase, so I paid my money well in advance and made my reservations for the Friday evening performance.

So, a week or so ago, I happen to glance at my calendar and realize my other son has a basketball game scheduled that same evening, earlier in the evening, but the same night. So I change our reservations accordingly, this time for Saturday evening, not the most convenient night for us, but certainly doable.

Then I discover another potential conflict with the Saturday evening performance so I request the Saturday matinee. Request granted.

A day or two after that, I receive my other son's basketball tournament bracket and realize there's a possibility his team will be playing at the same time as the Saturday afternoon performance. Another email, another request. I decide we can juggle the potential Saturday evening conflicts so we make arrangements for a table that evening.

Are you confused yet? You should try being me, or the nice gentleman enduring my multiple emails and obvious disorganization, kindly changing my reservations over and over (and over) again...

So, this morning I find out that the original conflict, my oldest son's game Friday night, is non existent. That's right, HE WILL NOT BE PLAYING BASKETBALL FRIDAY NIGHT. In other words, WE HAVE NO CONFLICT WHATSOEVER WITH THE FRIDAY NIGHT PERFORMANCE. (Yes, I'm yelling, wouldn't you?)

This was something I could have (and should have) figured out from the very beginning.

Yes, I am mad with myself. Yes, I feel (pick your adjective) embarrassed, humiliated, stupid, idiotic, and, yes, foolish.

So I sent yet another (humble, contrite) acknowledgment of my idiocy and asked for yet one more reservation change. I'll let you how it pans out.

I hate feeling foolish. I like being in control, or at least appearing as such. I hate that my inadequacies and inefficiencies are so painfully obvious. I also hate that my inadequacies and inefficiencies make more work for someone else. I wish desperately I could handle my life (and my schedule) with ease.

I can't. I can't handle it. I'm not in control. I am inadequate. And as much as I rail against it, I am foolish.

It's my pride that refuses the appearance of foolishness. It's my pride that's embarrassed to seem weak and stupid, though I am weak and stupid. It's my pride that wants others to be impressed by my ability to do it all, and do it all well.

It seems the Lord is teaching me (again still) that it is in weakness that He shows Himself strong. It is in foolishness He reveals His wisdom. In my inadequacy, I best see His adequacy...

But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong; God chose what is low and despised in the world, even things that are not, to bring to nothing things that are, so that no human being might boast in the presence of God. And because of him you are in Christ Jesus, who became to us wisdom from God, righteousness and sanctification and redemption, so that, as it is written, "Let the one who boasts, boast in the Lord." (1 Cor. 1:27-31)

If I must boast, I will boast of the things that show my weakness...Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. (2 Cor. 11:30, 12:9)

On the wonder that is Facebook and the difference twenty years make

I've been discovered.

Due to the internet wonder that is Facebook, I have now reconnected with some friends from high school and college. I was lost but now I'm found, some twenty years later.

It's strange, really. Cool, but strange. My parents moved out of state while I was in college, so I essentially fell off the face of the earth the night we graduated.

Now, when I see Facebook profile pictures and struggle to put names with faces and corresponding memories, it's like I'm caught in this weird time warp between what was and what is. As I cruise Facebook and peer into faces from my past, sometimes the whole high school deal feels like yesterday; sometimes it feels like a lifetime ago.

Longtime readers of this site (anyone? anyone?) may remember the thoughts I posted as I pondered my twenty year high school reunion. Then I wondered if the old me, the me who graduated class of 1986, would be disappointed if she were to peek into the life of the 2006 me. Or, for that matter, the 2009 me. I think of her dreams--childish ones, to be sure--and of her naive ambitions and I still wonder if she would be surprised by how it all landed.

Certainly the 1986 me did not consider this to be her life's vocation. She was to go! to be! to accomplish! Exactly what, she did not know, yet she did not let her confidence waver in light of such (in her mind) needless details.

Yet, here I am, some twenty years later. Older. Gray-er. Less ambitious. Slightly more cynical, knowing now that life is hard and confusing.

Don't get me wrong; I love being a wife and a mom, a (somewhat negligent) homemaker, erstwhile blogger, and amateur writer. I love my life.

But, I'll be honest with you. At various points in my journey, I've struggled with what I ought to be and do. I am still occasionally confounded by questions like, Who am I? What will I be when I grow up? In light of my recent Facebook mini-reunions, these questions seem to take on renewed fervor as I realize, for one thing, I've been a stay at home mom for nearly fifteen years. As I've written before,

Twenty years have passed, and my accomplishments include getting my college degree, marrying a wonderful man, birthing four children, changing mounds of diapers, and now fixing lunches, doing laundry, scrubbing toilets (only occasionally) and transporting children...As I reflected on the past twenty years, I admit I wondered if I was a waste of potential. I wondered if...maybe...perhaps...

I wonder, still. At some point in my twenty year journey, did I miss out on what I was really supposed to be? Some people know exactly what they want to do and be and go do and be exactly that. I, on the other hand, feel as if I've just let life happen to me. Did I make a wrong turn because I wasn't paying attention? Because I was young and naive and didn't know better?

I remember one intense time of crying out to the Lord a few years ago, wanting desperately to know my calling in no uncertain terms. I longed to be obedient to Him and I wanted a specific answer on what it was He wanted me to do. See, I thought it was all up to me. I had to figure it all out and then go and do it. The Holy Spirit, not in audible words but as an impression in my heart and mind, reminded me that He who called me was faithful and would complete His work in me. "Do you trust Me, Lisa?" He seemed to be asking.

That day I realized that if my heart's desire is to follow Him in obedience, no matter the cost, then I can trust Him to lead me. Today. Tomorrow. Twenty years from now. Maybe to a vocation. Maybe to stay home. Maybe to write. Maybe to shuttle kids all over town and do laundry. Maybe to teach God's Word to a group of ladies meeting in somebody's living room. Maybe to fame and fortune, but more likely to anonymity.

Twenty years have taught me both the mysteries of the Lord's plan as well as the blessings of walking with Him--even to places and vocations (or the lack thereof) that I would not have chosen for myself as a young eighteen year old who didn't have a clue. I forget that the what is not so important as I sometimes think. It's the how and the why that matter. How--in humble surrender. By His strength. Why--for His glory. As I live my life today, relying on His strength, seeking to bring glory to the Lord Jesus in all that I do, I can know I am doing exactly what I'm supposed to do.

For Linda

I have to tell you that I am sorely tempted to delete my last post--you know, the one about nothing? I always feel so foolish after posting on nothing, as the nothing I write always tends to read exactly like nothing, if you know what I mean. There are many bloggers out there who can write of nothing with such charm and wit that nothing in their skillful hands reads like something. Sadly, I am not among them and it's time I own it and quit trying (this post notwithstanding, of course).

So, Mocha with Linda in her comment on the aforementioned nothing post asked for a potato recipe--you know, in keeping with the whole mish/mash theme I've got going on. So, here is a recipe for potato soup, though no mashing required...

WAYNE'S POTATO SOUP

4 cups cubed potatoes (about 6 medium)
1 cup chopped onion (1 medium)
1/2 stick butter
1/2 tsp salt
1 tsp garlic salt
1/4 tsp pepper
1 can cream of chicken soup
3/4 lb Velveeta (or 1 1/2 packs of the shredded)
2 cups milk

Saute onion in butter until tender. Add potatoes. Barely cover with water; add salt and pepper and cook approximately 20 minutes. Stir in chicken soup. Add cheese and stir until melted. Add milk and heat thoroughly.

Enjoy!

In which words fail me yet I post anyway

Words fail me. I've started three different posts this morning and, to be honest, I'm about to give up if I cannot make any sense on this, my third attempt. Three strikes and I'm so out of here!

Of course I wonder, why force myself? I mean, if the thoughts don't come, then they don't come. Perhaps I should just go put on a load of laundry or clean up the kitchen. You know, accomplish something constructive for a change...

Yet I push through with a nothing sort of post, yet another mish mash of blog thoughts, even as I wonder if I will ever return to "real" blogging or not. For now, it is what it is: a few typed words however strained, however forced...

On my agenda for today: Cleaning the bathrooms. Cleaning out the fridge. Going to the grocery store. Walking (like, for exercise). So far, I've completed none of those things.

By the way, not long after I posted my "True Confessions," the sun made its appearance! I thought of Isaiah 60:1, "Arise, shine, for your light has come, and the glory of the Lord has risen upon you." Not directly applicable, but I always think of that verse when the sun returns after several days of dark and dreary rain.

True confession: I had to go look that verse up. I knew it was in Isaiah but I didn't know where, though I could have found it quite easily in my old Bible.

I'm curious: do you underline and write in your Bible? I did in my old Bible, but can't quite bring myself to do so in my new Bible.

Okay, now I've really hit the wall. Anyone have any good post ideas? Can you help a sister out?

Could this be one of the most mish mash-y posts out of all my (many) mish mash posts? Don't answer that. Perhaps tomorrow will bring not only blogworthy thoughts, but words to express them...

Until then, I'm off to put on a load of laundry and clean out the fridge. The glamorous life of a stay at home mom and occasional blogger...

True Confessions

* It was not with a great deal of sadness that I sent my children back to school yesterday.
* In fact, I relished my solitude.
* Though the house did seem pretty quiet without Guitar Hero World Tour blaring from the playroom (and me blaring, "Turn it DOWN!" and "Shut the DOOR!").
* It was a dark and rainy day yesterday, perfect for laying on the sofa and watching an episode (or two) of "The West Wing" on dvd, should one feel so inclined. I'm just sayin'.
* I am sick of the rain. Oh, sunshine, where art thou?
* I did not miss ironing while my husband was on vacation. Not once.
* Nor did I miss packing lunches and checking backpacks while the kids were out of school. Nor car line for that matter.
* All my Christmas junk stuff fit in the storage boxes without much effort and I was thrilled by the ease of packing it all up.
* It was only until after I had hauled the boxes out to the garage (hurting my back in the process) that I realized not "ALL" my junk stuff had made it to the storage boxes. Grrrrr
* Large green plastic boxes labeled "Tree" boxes at Lowe's are something of a misnomer, not being large enough to, you know, actually hold a tree.
* I duct-taped the old, dilapidated cardboard tree box back together and decided to worry about a new tree box next year.
* Un-decorating the house after Christmas is worse than decorating.
* I cannot decide what to spend my Christmas money on: Boots? Charms for my charm bracelet? Books? Something for the house?
* Scratch something for the house.
* I am so over stuff for the house, which is why my half bath has been stripped of its border and waiting on a new paint job for well over a year now.
* When I told the (not so very charming) story of me trying to decide what to wear for our charter service Sunday, it was a poor attempt to poke fun at myself.
* I have a hard time nuancing funny.
* Is nuance only a noun or can it be a verb?
* I am trying to eat healthier.
* I'm hungry.
* The box of Cheez Its in the pantry is tempting me.
* I would drink more water if only it tasted as good as sweet tea.
* My boys' basketball games (both of them) were canceled last night and I was (secretly) glad.
* Last night I dug The Gospel According to Jesus out from under my (ever growing) To Be Read pile and began reading, mainly due to the posts linked here.
* I am terribly behind in responding to emails and let's be honest here (it's true confessions, after all), I don't get just a whole lot of emails to begin with!
* I must get up from the computer and do something a little more, shall we say, constructive.
* Though today is another dark and rainy day, perfect for laying on the sofa and watching an episode (or two) of "The West Wing" on dvd, should one feel so inclined...

Charter-ing our course!

We had a great, amazing, wonderful service Sunday! Some highlights:

**We sang several of the songs we sang together at our very first meeting, including "In Christ Alone," affirming our conviction that it is in Christ alone, and Christ alone, that we stand.

**My pastor preached from Ephesians 2:19-3:13, reminding us that we, as the church of Jesus Christ, exist as a display of His glory. The foundation of our fellowship is the Word of God and the purpose of our fellowship to preach the unsearchable riches of Christ. Only eternity will reveal what God can and will do through our local body of believers! Yes, Lord!

**Prior to signing the covenant, my pastor asked each of us, individually, three questions: 1-Do you have a saving knowledge of Jesus Christ? 2-Have you followed Him in believer's baptism? 3-Do you support the covenant and statement of faith? As we answered yes to each question, we then signed a copy of our covenant which we will have framed as a reminder of our commitment to one another and to the Lord.

**I cried. And my hands shook so that I couldn't hardly write my name. Actually, my signature is so altered that it looks forged. Y'all can be my witnesses: I'm here to say I did indeed commit wholeheartedly and unreservedly, albeit somewhat emotionally.

**After signing, we were given the bread and the juice to celebrate the Lord's supper. My hands were (still) shaking so that I couldn't carry my "cup;" my son carried it for me.

**Once everyone signed, we partook of the Lord's supper together. Communion in covenant, rejoicing in the Lord's death, burial and resurrection all the while looking forward to the day when we will gather in His presence, the church universal, a magnificent display of His eternal glory! Glorious day! Even so, come, Lord Jesus!

I was talking with my dear friend last night, one whose conviction to remain at my old church is as strong as my conviction was to leave. We were talking of our charter service and she made the comment that I was where I was supposed to be. I am. I can say that not only with firm conviction but with great joy. I do not understand the Lord's ways; I could never have imagined this, ever. If I'm honest, parts of it I never would have wanted! But this I know: the Lord has ordained it and I am overwhelmed by His grace. I pray He will find us faithful! I cannot wait to see what is for now beyond my imagination. He is able! To God be the glory, great things He hath done!

In ways previously unimagined

The Sunday evening before Christmas, our church service featured the children of our church singing songs and carols of Christmas. It was a good service, nothing new or innovative, just the sweet sounds (and adorable antics) of young children singing of the Christmas baby, Jesus, God-becoming-man.

There in the former office space turned church meeting space, without a single Christmas decoration nor any hanging of the green nor any of the usual accoutrements of church Christmas programs, I worshiped. I rejoiced. And yes, I laughed some (I may be partial, but the kids at our church are some kind of cute). And I thought to myself, "This is church. My church. My church family, my church home."

Certainly the idea was not new to me. I know church is not the building nor the programs nor the Sunday school and not even the Wednesday night suppers (though I must admit those things are sometimes missed when absent). Church is the people, the body of Christ, the family of believers I am called to love in community. I get that. I've gotten that. That Sunday night I realized it anew as I was moved to gratitude for these my fellow sojourners.

I used to think that people who split from other churches, for whatever reason, and began a church plant did so out of fiery passion and fervent zeal. That's what I used to think, but now I know that passion and zeal sustain for time; after that it is mostly work. Hard work. Decisions about where to meet and what to call yourselves and whether there will be enough money--these questions and more kept me up at night. We none of us had any real idea of what we were doing, thus relying heavily on the Lord's direction and the support of each other.

And let me just say that the Lord has been incredibly faithful to us. We have seen His provision over and over and over again, both financially and logistically, but also as He knit our hearts together with common vision and brotherly love...

For me personally, the journey from church split to church plant has been something of roller coaster ride, as you well know if you've read this blog for any amount of time. At first, and sometimes still, I grieved. Leaving my former church ranks as one of the hardest things I have ever done. It broke my heart. Not only that, but perhaps due to my anonymous pen pal and commenter(s), I found myself insecure to the point of paranoid. Additionally, I was shocked that the Lord would bring me, us, to this. "Surreal" was the best way I found to describe the whole experience.

At the same time, I knew--I knew--that the Lord had indeed brought us to this. As hard as it was, as heartbreaking as it was, I knew we were being obedient. My testimony tonight is this: obedience, even when wrapped in heartbreak, brings the blessing of knowing the Lord in ways previously unimagined. He Himself is the reward to the obedient: knowing Him in greater intimacy and finding that not only did my faith stand when tested, it was strengthened.

Just a few minutes ago I came downstairs to ask my husband's opinion on what I should wear to church tomorrow. I won't tell you how long I stood in my closet looking for inspiration (nor how many different outfits I tried on). It is as I told my husband: "Tomorrow my picture will be taken, recording for generations to come this Very Important Event in our church, so what I'm wearing is critical!" To be clear, my picture will only be taken as a face in the crowd of the rest of the charter members, and my husband's only input came in his recommendation that I wear the flats. Never mind I had a different flat on each foot (options, people!).

Tomorrow will be a big day. An amazing day. An emotional day. A day of boasting in the Lord. Of celebrating His faithfulness. Of commissioning ourselves to carry His gospel to our community and beyond. A day of covenanting together as a church, promising to love and support each other as we love and serve the Lord Jesus.

I cannot wait.

I am glad. I am glad that when the time came, I counted the cost and stepped across the line because my Lord required it of me. Though I must admit, it felt less like a step and more like a leap!

It's been hard, yeah, but it's good. Way more than good. Because He is good and gracious.

I don't want to offend anyone from my former church, so, please, I hope you hear my heart on this. I am profoundly thankful for the years we served and sought the Lord together. Your impact on my life (and my family's) is huge. HUGE. It is my fervent prayer that we each would experience an outpouring of His Spirit not only in our respective churches but in our community as we, brothers and sisters in Christ, hold out the words of life!

To God be the glory!

PROUD or Broken?

We will begin a ladies' Bible study at my church in a few weeks and I am so excited. It's been 7 long months since I've facilitated a group and I am so ready to get back in! We will be using Nancy Leigh Demoss's book Brokenness--which, as I told you before, is sure to grant us a healthy dose of conviction.

I don't want any of you to feel left out in the conviction department so I thought I would share a portion of the chapter "Am I a Proud or a Broken Person?" (Remember: conviction is good! It's the Lord's kindness to us, Rom. 2:4!)

***************

PROUD PEOPLE FOCUS ON THE FAILURES OF OTHERS AND CAN READILY POINT OUT THOSE FAULTS.
*Broken people are more conscious of their own spiritual need than of anyone else's.

PROUD PEOPLE ARE ESPECIALLY PRONE TO CRITICIZE THOSE IN POSITIONS OF AUTHORITY--THEIR PASTOR, THEIR BOSS, THEIR HUSBAND, THEIR PARENTS--AND THEY TALK TO OTHERS ABOUT THE FAULTS THEY SEE.
*Broken people reverence, encourage, and lift up those that God has placed in positions of authority, and they talk to God in intercession, rather than gossiping about the faults they see in others.

PROUD PEOPLE HAVE AN INDEPENDENT, SELF-SUFFICIENT SPIRIT.
*Broken people have a dependent spirit; they recognize their need for God and for others.

PROUD PEOPLE HAVE TO PROVE THAT THEY ARE RIGHT--AND THEY HAVE TO GET THE LAST WORD.
*Broken people are willing to yield the right to be right.

PROUD PEOPLE ARE SELF-PROTECTIVE OF THEIR TIME, THEIR RIGHTS, AND THEIR REPUTATION.
*Broken people are self-denying and self-sacrificing.

PROUD PEOPLE DESIRE TO BE KNOWN AS A SUCCESS.
*Broken people are motivated to be faithful and to make others successful.

PROUD PEOPLE ARE ELATED BY PRAISE AND DEFLATED BY CRITICISM.
*Broken people know that any praise of their accomplishments belongs to the Lord and that criticism can help them grow into spiritual maturity.

PROUD PEOPLE ARE SELF-CONSCIOUS; THEY WORRY ABOUT WHAT OTHERS THINK OF THEM.
*Broken people are not preoccupied with what others think of them.

PROUD PEOPLE CAN'T BEAR TO FAIL OR FOR ANYONE TO THINK THEY ARE LESS THAN PERFECT. THIS CAN DRIVE THEM TO EXTREMES--WORKAHOLIC TENDENCIES, PERFECTIONISM, THE TENDENCY TO DRIVE OTHERS OR TO PLACE UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS ON THEMSELVES OR OTHERS.
*Broken people can recognize and live within God-given limitations.

PROUD PEOPLE WAIT FOR OTHERS TO COME AND ASK FORGIVENESS WHEN THERE IS A MISUNDERSTANDING OR A BREACH IN A RELATIONSHIP.
*Broken people take the initiative to be reconciled, no matter how wrong the other party may have been.

PROUD PEOPLE FIND IT DIFFICULT TO DISCUSS THEIR SPIRITUAL NEEDS WITH OTHERS.
*Broken people are willing to be open and transparent with others as God directs.

PROUD PEOPLE TEND TO DEAL IN GENERALITIES WHEN CONFESSING THEIR SIN TO GOD ("DEAR LORD, PLEASE FORGIVE ME FOR ALL MY SINS...") OR EXPRESSING SPIRITUAL NEED TO OTHERS.
*Broken people are able to acknowledge specifics when confessing their sin: "Lord, I agree with You that I love myself more than I love my mate; I confess that I am addicted to television; I'm a glutton; I have a critical spirit; I am an angry mother..."

PROUD PEOPLE DON'T THINK THEY NEED REVIVAL, BUT THEY ARE SURE EVERYONE ELSE DOES. (IN FACT, RIGHT ABOUT NOW, THEY ARE MAKING A MENTAL LIST OF THE PEOPLE THEY THINK NEED TO READ THIS BOOK!)
*Broken people continually sense their need for a fresh encounter with God and for a fresh filling of His Holy Spirit.

***************

Convicting, isn't it? And that's only a portion of the contrast Demoss draws between the proud and the broken! Are you a broken Christian? Demoss concludes the chapter...

If this list has helped you realize that you are a proud, rather than a broken, person, do not despair. God has been merciful to show you your need. The first step to brokenness and humility is to get honest and acknowledge your need. Walk in the light; agree with God about what He has revealed to be the true condition of your heart. Don't try to cover up, justify, rationalize, compare yourself with your mate, or pretend that you are better off than you really are. "Humble [yourself] in the sight of the Lord, and He will lift you up" (James 4:10). The infinite riches and blessings of the kingdom of God belong to those who recognize their spiritual poverty.

Status Report, New Year's Day, 2009

Sitting...at my dining room table.

Drinking...coffee, black, though it's gotten cold and therefore not too appetizing.

Wearing...my pajamas still, though it is late (late!) morning but I do not care as my agenda for the day includes reading with a little blogging on the side.

Slept through...the New Year on the sofa, wakened only by my son's phone call to come get him and his brother from their friend's house. My husband was long in the bed at that point. We aren't exactly New Year's revelers.

Just finished reading...The Scarlet Pimpernel and loved it. LOVED it. Anyone seen any of the movie adaptations? Any recommendations?

Reading next...maybe The Book Thief because of Joy's recommendation or maybe A Circle of Quiet because of Jennifer's recommendation or perhaps Emily of New Moon because of Carrie's reading challenge, all of which I picked up from the library this week.

Also reading...Brokenness by Nancy Leigh Demoss in preparation for our ladies' Bible study which will begin in a few weeks (can't wait!). Let me tell you: this book is so getting in my business! Warning to any of you planning to join us for Bible study: (much, much) conviction ahead! But, conviction is not only necessary but good, the Lord's kindness to us...

Reading for review...Confident Conversation. Interesting stuff. Guess what, I'm an introvert, but you may have already figured that one out.

Honored ...by the Creative (with a "C" not a "K") blogger award given to me by my blog friend Carrie. She writes that I am the most real blogger she knows. What I am is terrible at passing on awards so I will merely say: Thank you.


Carrie has become a great friend to me as we share not only a birthday (with only a few years in between--ahem!) but a passion for good books and a desire to glorify our God. I am so grateful our cyber paths crossed! Did you know Carrie lives in a log house in Oregon? How cool is that?

Anticipating...chartering as a church this Sunday, the first Sunday of 2009! We will sign covenant and take communion together for the first time. What a journey! It will no doubt be an exciting, emotional day. Oh, may the Lord be glorified in this, His church!

Encouraged...by an email from a fellow blogger that reminded me that there are others who walk a similar path. Isn't it a relief to know that our journey is one that is understood by another?

Thinking...I should have more to offer by way of New Year's reflections than a superfluous status report. The thing is, I am unsure how to balance my relief in seeing 2008 transition to the past with the hope and resolve usually accompanied by the turn of the new year. I have written thoughtful, meaningful New Year's posts in the past, but this year I am wary. I have but a singular purpose for 2009 (and beyond): to follow my Lord Jesus Christ, wherever He leads, whatever He asks, and in a manner that brings Him the most glory. One thing among many I have learned in 2008: the Lord's ways are beyond figuring out...

May you know the grace and goodness of Jesus Christ in ever greater measure in 2009!