Wondering...

...how one who has blogged for nearly three years, almost 600 posts' worth, can go a whole week (plus) without a single blogworthy thought and not even realize it?

...what it would be like to live on top of my life rather than feeling buried beneath it?

...why it seems everyone is talking about running, cycling, shredding or some other form of cruel and unusual punishment exercise? Or maybe it only seems so because I am, well, not?

...where time goes? I (nervously) watched my oldest son race bicycles with grown men, more than holding his own and he a mere child. Isn't he? At 15 and 6'2", I guess not so much. How is that?

...what turns my sweet, easygoing youngest boy from Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde? Truly one of the great mysteries of life. It's a rare occurrence; oh, but it's B-A-D. Horrible. For him and for his mommy both.

...how I can wait until September for Catching Fire (The Second Book of the Hunger Games)? I totally devoured The Hunger Games last Thursday, mostly while waiting at the doctor's office for my son to get his physical for basketball tryouts. A fantastic book! Thanks, Dawn, for the recommendation!

...what the Lord is teaching me when Rom. 12:1 comes up not only once but several times, in Bible study, in the call to worship at church last Sunday, in my pastor's Romans study on Wednesday night, again in Bible study, and quoted in my pastor's sermon this past Sunday?

...when (if) I will ever return to "normal" blogging (whatever THAT is)? Blogger's block, it is real and it is mine. Here's hoping the words will come...and soon...

It's Monday yet again

I've realized a subconscious trend in my Monday morning blogging; perhaps you've noticed it as well. It seems as if most of my Monday writings are comprised of either a random list of things on my mind and/or a random list of the things I have to do.

So, rather than fight it, I'll yield to it. Maybe we can even turn it into a carnival. I mean, people post their menus on Monday, why not their to do list? You know, something like Monday's To Do List (I'm nothing if not creative--not!) or Monday: A Week in Preview or Since It's Monday and Your Brain is Still Asleep Just Blog a Random List. Or what about Manic Monday.

Side note: you know, I never really knew what was meant by "Manic Monday" except for it being a song popular in my youth so I looked up manic and it means marked by frenzy or excessively intense excitement. So, there you go. I don't know about excitement but frenzy I totally get.

And I'm kidding about the whole carnival deal.

But, in honor of it being Monday yet again, I will tell you what's on my mind and my (post it note) to do list...

Today I must work on Bible study. My Tuesday's are usually devoted to Bible study prep but tomorrow I am going on a field trip with my son's class. I'll just be up front: I am no fan of field trips. I got over them years ago. My younger two children, however, are still in the field trip stage therefore so am I (but only for their sake).

Also on today's agenda: laundry (always and forever), grocery shopping (ugh), walking (like for exercise) and various and sundry pre-field trip preparations like making arrangements for my other three children to be picked up from school and getting directions to our destination.

Tomorrow: field trip.

Wednesday: what my friend referred to as my "ministry day" as I have Bible study first thing followed by volunteering at the pregnancy center.

Thursday: I will meet with my reading buddy at the primary school but other than that I think the only item on my agenda will be recovery. And laundry (always and forever).

Friday: no doubt a mad cleaning frenzy (manic) as my parents are planning to come on Saturday for a few days' visit.

What's on my mind: Presenting myself as a living sacrifice in view of God's mercies (Rom. 12:1, our topic for Bible study this week). What to cook for supper this week. The righteousness of Christ (one of the bookends of the Christian life discussed in the book I am reading by the same name--good stuff, by the way). Whether I will get lost driving to the field trip. How to better share the gospel with those who come to the pregnancy center for help.

So, what about you? What's on your mind and to do list this week?

Jesus wants the rose

Go here. Watch Matt Chandler's story that the gospel is for broken sinners.

HT: Desiring God blog

Review: Tell the Truth

I'll be honest with you: I haven't read many books on evangelism. Actually, the sum total of books I've read on the subject would be, well, one. Shameful, I know. Just keepin' it real.

Tell the Truth: The Whole Gospel to the Whole Person by Whole People by Will Metzger is my first (thus far only) foray into evangelistic subject matter and I must say I chose well. It is subtitled A Training Manual on the Message and Methods of God-Centered Witnessing yet it is far more than a mere manual or methodology. Metzger carefully lays the foundation of what comprises the true gospel message, devoting thirty some odd pages to "The Gospel Recovered," a contrast of the "shrunken gospel" that sometimes marks contemporary evangelism with an overview of the primary points of the gospel:

1. God: our Owner, Father and Judge
2. God centered living: What does God require of us?
3. Self centered living: the truth of sin and disobedience
4. Jesus Christ: the way back to life
5. Our necessary response: come to Jesus in repentance and faith

This then is the "whole gospel" which is presented to the "whole person"--appealing to both emotion and will. This gospel is "wholly by grace," the foundation for evangelism, offered by "whole people," ordinary Christians communicating personally to those in need of the free gift of salvation.

According to Metzger,

Grace-centered evangelists have a big view of God's role in salvation. Therefore
they

• pray for God's will to be done, since his purposes are best
• are bold and less fearful of others
• are quietly confident, for God has promised to use them
• are humble, for they know God is taking the lead
• are filled with love, for it is God's love that motivates them
• are expectant, for God's purposes will come to pass
• are patient, trusting in God's timing to bring new life
• are persistent, realizing conversion is a process
• are honest, not hiding any of the hard parts of the gospel
• emphasize truth, not just subjective experiences
• lift up Jesus, knowing he will draw people to himself
• use the law of God to expose people's inability to save themselves
• wait for the Holy Spirit to give assurance of salvation

That's the kind of evangelist I want to be, one so overcome with love for my Savior and humble gratitude for His sovereign, saving grace that I can't help but speak the good news that Jesus came to save sinners! If this is the desire of your heart as well, I think you will find, like me, that Tell the Truth is an important and encouraging resource.

On the porch and theology

First of all, I'm happy to let you know that I am coming to you live from my back porch! You know my screened in porch is one of my favorite places to read...pray...think...eat...be but it's been covered in that greenish yellowish nasty stuff we in the South call pollen. That is, until yesterday! Yesterday I cleaned and mopped and wiped and hosed off my porch and everything on it so it is now fit for me reading...praying...thinking...being!

And what a glorious day to be out here! The labor was not so fun, but the fruit? So worth it! I'm thinking I could spend the rest of the day out here--that is, if I hadn't told my son I'd come to his math tournament awards ceremony and if we weren't out of paper towels and other necessities that warrant a (dreaded) trip to Wal Mart...

But for now, for the time I do have before duty calls, I will enjoy and revel in the beauty of the day and clean, pollen free porch.

In other news, my pastor, my family pastor and yours truly are in the middle of putting together a group blog, "Gumshoe Theologians." Yes, you read that correctly: me and my two pastors. It's kind of like that Sesame Street segment, "One of these things doesn't belong; one of these things is not like the others..." but more on that in a later post.

Now, don't go googling for the site; we are still in process. Despite ourselves, we have a domain and are now hosted (go us!). We are now in the middle of designing and putting the site together and we've hired a professional to take care of that. When we're ready to launch, I will be sure to let you know.

But, in the meantime, I've been thinking about theology (and some of you just sighed, I know you did). While theology is rightly understood to be the study of God, I think we are all theologians in the sense that our theology is reflected in the way we live, in our reality. How I live reveals what I believe about God. Same for you. Your reality reflects your theology.

I know I'm weird, but I love theology. I love pondering the deep things of God. I long to grow in the knowledge of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. I love hearing God's Word preached; I love reading books that fuel my faith; I even love to visit blogs that sharpen my understanding and cause me to question and evaluate what it is I claim to know and believe about God.

Because we live out what we believe about God, it's easy sometimes to turn theology into mere orthodoxy, a list of rules and behaviors to strive after. God help us.

Theology does indeed affect our reality and I think it does so by first stirring the affections. As I pursue the knowledge of God with a wholehearted fervor, as He reveals Himself to me through His Word, as I know Him in greater intimacy, I love Him more. My heart is changed and it becomes my joy and delight to walk in grateful obedience. Jesus said that those who love Him obey Him and, amazingly enough, He provides both the will and the way of obedience through His grace and His Spirit.

And a cycle emerges: the more I love Him, the more I long to seek after Him with a forceful, single minded, furious pursuit; the more I seek Him, the more I love Him...

May I be the kind of theologian that seeks after Jesus as the only true Treasure, the pearl of great price, the "one thing" I desire, and may the Truth of who He is transform my real, regular, ordinary life.

I wish the same for you.

Enough rambling. My duty as Mom and Wal Mart shopper now calls.

Mother's Day Giveaway

It's a Mother's Day Giveaway event at 5 Minutes for Books! From April 15-25 we will be featuring a giveaway a day, 17 books in all! In addition, there will be one grand prize winner receiving all 17 books featured! You do not have to be mom to participate; the giveaways are open to any booklover who enters. All winners will be announced April 30. For more information and contest rules, either click on the button above or visit the Mother's Day Giveaway post here. Be sure to visit us often to check out the great titles we will be giving away!

On the outside looking in

When I was a young girl of eleven or twelve years old, there was a group of kids at my school who made fun of nearly everything I said, everything I did, and most certainly everything I wore.

No, I don't mean they teased me. I mean they made fun of me; they had fun at my expense. They laughed not with me but at me. If I changed my hair, they laughed. If I wore a different pair of shoes, they laughed and pointed. If I messed up the cheer at the pep rally, they laughed and called me "Sleepy."

I now know what I didn't realize then: that group of kids came from nothing and as such had nothing. My family lived modestly but in comparison to their nothing my little looked like everything. I've also lived long enough to know how cruelty sometimes masks envy. I know because I've done much the same; I've denigrated another in order to sooth my gnawing jealousy over their good fortune.

Still, it hurt--I don't have to tell you that. All of us were twelve once and surely we've all felt the stinging wound of words intended to cut and cut deep.

I'm older now--by decades, thankyouverymuch. No longer do I walk across a gym floor to the laughs and catcalls of kids intent on hurting me, but sometimes, often, I am very much that same insecure little girl wondering what I will do next to bring about derision, ridicule or plain ol' dislike.

Certainly not merely because of that group of kids--though they no doubt contributed to it--but it seems like I've always felt like the square peg in the round hole. On the outside looking in. Unsure of my place and doubtful of my reception. Convinced you probably don't like me or, if by chance you do now, you won't later.

I am forty years old and, yes, this is still my struggle: Uncertainty. Insecurity. Not to mention the loneliness that accompanies both.

I told someone recently that being forty was good and it is. I told her that with forty years comes a greater sense of self assurance, of knowing who and what I am and being okay with that, and it's true. Really. It is.

The who and what I am may be slightly more confident, a little more sure of herself, and, yes, more comfortable in her own skin than in times past--yet she is still sometimes the silly, insecure girl of 12.

Though I grow weary of my idiocy and insecurity. . . though I fervently wish to feel like I belong. . . though I sometimes wonder where exactly square pegs like myself fit. . . I'm learning to be okay with it. My insecurity, if viewed properly, becomes a gift when it propels me to the Only One secure, to my Rock and Refuge, to Jesus Christ, unchangeable, unshakable.

Apart from Christ, I am indeed insecure. Anything and everything I attempt to rest my security on will fail if it is not Christ Himself. He endured far more than a few catcalls and insults to purchase my salvation and security. He redeemed me with His precious blood; now I belong--to Him. I rest secure in Him as His beloved child, a square peg of a sinner saved by His glorious grace.

Monday morning randomness

Some Monday morning, post-Easter randomness for you...

On Saturday we endured what was surely one of the coldest egg hunts in history, eating our picnic lunches even as we shivered. We ate quickly, that's for sure.

It was nearly standing room only for the Easter morning service at our little office space-turned-church. I want to say it was a good service but "good" doesn't do it justice. It was more than good. It was joyous and humbling both as we sang of the triumph of the cross and as our pastor proclaimed the glory of the gospel of the risen Christ, He who will come again as both Judge and Savior of the world, glory to His name!

Our Easter meal was really good, if I do say so myself. No potato salad but good just the same. So good in fact we never got around to cutting the chocolate chip pie I made for dessert. Something to look forward to tonight after supper or perhaps even a late morning snack...

Our church gathered together last night for a meal and "family meeting," our term for the handling of the church business. As we discussed and decided the two or three items on the agenda, my heart was full as I realized again: we are really doing this thing. And, like my husband added when I told him my thoughts later, it's working! Actually, it is the Lord at work which each of us would be quick to confess. It's only Him and it's all Him.

Today I need to:

• Do laundry (today and every day)
• Clean something (pick a room, any room!)
• Go to the grocery store (but not if it storms like "they" say it will)
• Clean out my closet
• Clean out my email inbox and catch up on my email replies

Today I want to:

• Read
• Drink coffee
• Tweak my template (I'm still not sure about the colors and fonts plus I want to do a link bar--what do you think?)

Today I'm wondering:

• Should I go ahead and have a piece of chocolate chip pie as a late morning snack?
• At forty years old, shouldn't I be over feeling like a complete idiot?
  
• Does anyone actually read all this randomness?

Because of the Cross

As I reflect on the Easters of my growing up years, the following memories spring immediately to mind:

Several weeks before Easter Sunday we would go to the fabric store, first perusing the pattern books, marking any dress patterns we liked with a torn slip of paper (this before the wonder that is the post it note). After looking at the McCall, Butterick, and Vogue books, we would then attempt to narrow down our favorites, finally choosing just one. From the patterns we would then walk up and down row after row of fabric, unrolling bolts, cutting swatches, comparing favorites until just the right fabric was chosen. From fabric to choosing thread, buttons and zipper and then home where my mom would get busy cutting and sewing and hemming, thus creating our custom, one of a kind, made to order Easter dresses.

My mom is incredibly talented, no doubt about it.

Some of my favorite memories growing up are of the fabric store.

I also remember Easter lunch, consisting of ham and variety of sides but always, always potato salad. Sadly enough, this is a tradition I am unable to continue in my own home. The ham, yes; potato salad, no. My husband considers eggs and mayonnaise, and particularly the combination thereof, grounds for divorce.

You think I kid.

Egg hunts are another favorite memory, and not the big corporate church hunts, but hunts at our home, in our backyard or even in the den. My dad hiding the eggs, me and my sister hunting. Me hiding, my sister hunting. My sister hiding, me hunting. Me and my sister hiding for my brother to hunt. You get the idea. We never tired of it, at least not in my memory.

One Easter we came downstairs and our baskets were hidden. Another year the Easter bunny, that trickster, hid our eggs himself while we were sleeping. Because of the aforementioned love of the hunt, we knew exactly how many eggs were to be found. But we never did find them all that day. It was a great curiosity to us as to where and when the rogue egg would show up...

Thankfully, we hunted the plastic egg and not the hard boiled variety.

When I was a young girl, maybe 8 or 10, I remember us watching one of the Jesus movies while seated on the floor in front of my grandmother's console tv. Then, as now, I had loved Jesus for as long as I could remember and certainly knew the details of the Easter story--but that year something happened to my heart as the crucifixion scene reached its climax: my heart, it broke. I wept inconsolably and rushed from the room.

I couldn't bear it.

Suddenly the story was more than a story; it was a reality.

My mom followed me into the bedroom, assuring me, comforting me, coaxing me back to the movie, to see that the ending is good, Jesus lives, it's not the end, not yet.

Many years later I sat in a darkened movie theater and cried again even as I hid my eyes from the terror of the cross as depicted in a motion picture. The ending was good, Jesus lives, but, oh my word, the cross...the blood...I couldn't bear it.

Every Easter I ponder the unimaginable horror that is the cross. Some say it reflects my worth in that Jesus was willing to endure such a cruel death in order to save me. I disagree. With great humility and heartbreak, I confess it shows the depth of my sin and the terrible price it demanded--the death of God's own Son! It is my wickedness on display at the cross, not my worth.

My wickedness, Christ's mercy. My depravity, His forgiveness. Did ever such love and sorrow meet, or thorns compose so rich a crown? He has redeemed me by His blood, bought me with a price. I am His; He is mine. Because of His great love, He has made me alive even though I was dead, wallowing in the stench of my sin, separated, doomed, deserving of damnation to an eternity in hell.

This is the cross of Christ. This is His mercy and His grace. For our God made Him who knew no sin to be sin for us, that we might become the righteousness of God in Him. Glory to His name!

I think of my heart breaking as a young girl before the horror of the crucifixion and I ask that I not forget. I want to remember and worship the glory of my Lord Jesus as revealed in the cross. On Easter. On Monday. On Tuesday. On every day. From now through eternity.

My prayer is that you too would remember...and worship..with hearts broken before the grace and mercy of a holy God...He alone is worthy!

For it is the God who commanded light to shine out of darkness who has shone in our heart to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ. 2 Cor. 4:6

He is risen! He lives! Hallelujah!

Techno-smart I am not

So, how do you like the new template? It's a complete do-it-yourself project and knowing how technologically challenged I am, you ought to be well impressed. I am, if I do say so myself. However, I drive myself CRAZY worrying over page elements and layout and font size and post title color and side bar header background color (whatever THAT is), so if you have any constructive criticism suggestions (kindly offered, of course), please let me know.

Easter Confessional, redux

My blog friend Angela @ Becoming Me is hosting an Easter carnival, Because of the Cross, where participants share their posts, past or present, about the true meaning of Easter: the death and resurrection of the Lord Jesus Christ. I hope to post something later this week but for now I'm giving you an Easter post from the Lisa writes archives circa 2007...

*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*
April 9, 2007

You know I have holiday issues. If you have your doubts, you can check out my attitude as reflected here and here.

Most of my holiday ills stem from a resentment of the pressure to conform to the commercialism of the season. Easter, however, is a little different. Instead of resisting conformity, I find a part of me actually wanting to yield. Not about the Easter bunny and eggs, give me a break. No, I struggle more with the new dress-new shoes-new purse angle. I admit it, Easter, in addition to the obvious, often connotes clothes, specifically dresses, in bright, Easter-y colors like pink and green and yellow.

This year I purchased no new dress. In fact, yesterday, Easter Sunday mind you, I committed one of the greatest sacrileges a girl like me, Southern born and Southern bred, could make:

I wore pants.

To church.

On Easter Sunday.

With a sweater.

A turtleneck.

Black.

I have to say I have no problem wearing pants to church. In fact, I probably do wear pants more often than a skirt (though it took me a long time to get to that point) and I never wear a dress. But on Easter? I feel quite sure my grandmother, she of the elegance of the hat-and-glove-and-by-all-means-matching-pumps-and-pocketbook generation, turned over in her grave.

(Okay, not really, as she is not in her grave; her body is, but she is in Paradise, the Presence of God, and I feel quite sure that should she have taken note of my apparel choice yesterday, she would not have minded one bit.)

In Sunday school we watched portions of The Passion of the Christ. Actually, I only watched portions of the portions. I am a wimp. I can't take it.

As with the first time I saw the film, and upon reflection of the gospel accounts of Jesus' death and resurrection, I am struck by (among other things) the determination of Mary and the other women to stay, to watch, and to remain. I cannot stomach a Technicolor depiction; yet they stood near to Him through the very worst. I think of Mary's mother heart: how she must have wanted to die, if not in His place, at least by His side! What strength. What faith. What love.

And certainly they were not concerned with what they were wearing.

Man looks on the outward appearance, but God looks at the heart. Outwardly, I may have been pants and black turtleneck clad, but inwardly my heart nearly broke with gratitude and love as I humbly bowed before the cross of my Jesus...

Far be it from me to boast except in the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ, by which the world has been crucified to me and I to the world.

Gal. 6:14

Better is one day

Nancy Leigh Demoss's book Surrender

the living Word of God

laptop

esvstudybible.org

one humble heart

one Holy Spirit

A day spent in the holy presence of a gracious God who condescends to answer the cry of the seeking heart: Priceless

"For a day in your courts is better
than a thousand elsewhere..."

Ps. 84:10

Classic Bookclub: Around the World in Eighty Days

So it's time once again for our Classics Bookclub at 5 Minutes for Books. As you've probably guessed by now, I love reading the classics and the bookclub provides both direction and insight as we delve into some of the best known and well loved literature each month.

This month we're discussing Jules Verne's Around the World in Eighty Days and, like Les Miserables, I not only have never read the book previously, I also have never seen a movie adaptation. Thus I had no expectations nor preconceived notions to either support or deflate my enjoyment of the novel.

And I did enjoy it. Around the World in Eighty Days is, as you would surmise, a quick paced adventure centered around Phileas Fogg's wager that he can travel the globe in a mere 80 days' time, this of course before the time of air travel. What ensues is a series of near misses and unavoidable delays, all of which Fogg takes in with his customary calm.

I've read criticisms of Fogg, that he is too aloof, too stoic, too impassive. Yet I feel as if it were not Verne's intent to draw complex characterizations; in fact each player in the story is a caricature of sorts, more or less one dimensional. Fogg imperturbable. Aouda devoted. Fix determined. Passepartout loyal in addition to providing comic relief.

I think two of my favorite scenes in the novel are when Fogg breaks his usual inpenetrable calm: when Aouda declares her true feelings and when Fogg finally grants Fix his just due.

Though it is Fogg's trip that is the focus of the novel and not the destinations themselves, I enjoyed the rapid change of scenery and travel mode: from India and the daring rescue of Aouda from being burned alive to a skirmish with Indians in the American West. Boats, trains, and an elephant aid Fogg's race against the clock, the clock proving to be ironic in the end.

All in all, a light, pleasant, highly enjoyable read. See what other readers thought at 5 Minutes for Books and join us next month for The Great Gatsby on May 5!

On my mind on a cold and dreary Monday

It's Monday. A cold and dreary Monday, made all the more dreary by the gloriously sunny Spring-like weekend.

Being Monday and cold and dreary, I am having a hard time getting anything done. I've started a load of laundry, two blog posts, a book review and a grocery list. All started; none completed. I did, however, start and finish a cup (or two or three) of coffee but I'm not sure that helps or counts.

On my mind this Monday:

• The cross. With Sunday being Easter, this is the passion week, Holy Week, a time to remember and reflect on the death and resurrection of my Lord.

• Joy. Or the lack thereof. I am by nature more melancholy than merry; yet, as our family pastor reminded our church in his sermon last night, lack of joy in the Christian is sin. We are to rejoice in Christ as our greatest delight and highest joy!

• What to cook. I am drawing a blank (yet again) in planning our supper menu for the week. Have I mentioned how much I hate going to the grocery store?

• Blogger's block. And whether this, my third post of the day, will actually make "published" status.

• How to articulate what I liked about a book I really, really liked. It seems the more I love a book, the harder it is to review it.

• Why the Christian faith of characters in a novel seems so forced and unnatural. (Totally unrelated to the above.) Is it because me speaking of my own faith also seems forced and unnatural (to my shame)?

• Why it's so cold in the house (64 degrees). Actually, this conundrum I solved: the heat was OFF but now on again.

• What chores I can give the boys to do this afternoon that will result in the minimum whine factor. Yes, on a cold and dreary Monday I am in fact a wimp.

• Where I put the Easter baskets last year.

So, what's on your mind?

#563 and counting..

Whew, what a crazy couple of weeks. Many times over the past week or so, I found myself worn out and scattered, surrounded by the kind of overwhelming mess that makes me feel even more worn out and scattered. I would want to rest, but I couldn't. My mind would race with all that I should be doing and all that needs to be done.

Blogging, of course, doesn't exactly fall into the "should be doing" or "needs to be done" category, which is precisely something that's been on my mind lately.

I've been blogging now for two and a half years (yes, it's true), nearly six hundred posts' worth. I got spammed last week and since I have no idea how else to rid my site of the offending comments, I pulled up each post with the rogue comment in order to delete it (the comment, not the post). Nearly all the contaminated posts were a couple of years old so it was like a little walk down memory lane, albeit frustrating and certainly not by choice. Shuffling through the annals of Lisa writes past prompted some reflection and comparison of Lisa writes present.

In my early stages of blogging, I posted a good bit. Undoubtedly more often than I do now, which I realize isn't saying much. Then, I wrote freely, about whatever was on my mind. And evidently there was a lot. I wrote mostly just for the joy of composition, my words forming an outlet for my journey with my Lord. I worried (only a) little about who was reading and what they thought, for the most part heedless of comment counts and site hits. I wrote because I loved to write.

In the process I discovered an unexpected blessing, a community of like minded sisters and fellow bloggers who became my friends. Real friends though we have never met face to face and in most cases have never even chatted on the phone. The wonders of the world wide web and email became vehicles for the Lord to bring into my life friendships and fellowships I would not have known otherwise. My google reader is filled with subscriptions to the blogs of these wise and funny women and I have found great joy in the give and take of our bloggy conversations.

I still write to write, but also so I can interact with my friends; I want to read their posts and visit their site--sometimes I feel guilty and frustrated when real life prevents me. Like when my google reader has a backlog of some 464 unread posts, sort of like it does today. It can be frustrating.

As my local readership has grown, my sense of responsibility to those I know here in real life makes me all the more careful about what I write. I would never, ever want to inadvertently offend or hurt someone here in the reflections I post. I know I have in the past, however unintentionally. Words on a screen can be so easily misunderstood or misapplied, by both the author and the reader.

When I first began blogging, and you can check back to my very first post if you're so inclined, I asserted that a large readership didn't matter to me. And it doesn't. Not really. Okay, sometimes maybe. Just a little. Actually, it didn't bother me until my weekly reports from sitemeter began to reflect a spiralling effect. Downward. Which in some sense makes perfect sense. I'm not writing much; therefore there's not much reason to visit. I get that. But can I just say that sometimes, and hear me, it's only sometimes, I see my worth as a writer, as a blogger, as somebody people like to listen to occasionally, there in that stupid little (little!) number.

So, what am I trying to say? I don't know exactly, except maybe this: after two and half a years and 560+ posts, I am still trying to figure out my place in the blog writing world and my blog's place in my real world. I think I told you before about how the comment "blogging is only part of your life" set me free in the sense that I realized there's no pressure aside from the self-inflicted kind (duh). Blogging is a hobby, an outlet, something to pick up and lay down as the whim strikes. It does not define me; therefore I cannot "fail." I don't know if that makes sense to you, but it does to me.

I've said it before but it's been awhile so I want to say it again: to those of you who choose to spend a small portion of your time here reading these humble thoughts, thank you. I am honored you would find my random ruminations worthy of the time you spend here and I pray that you are edified and the Lord is glorified in my words written here.

And to my blog friends, new and old, real and virtual: I am grateful our internet connections crossed! You've made me laugh, you've made me think, you've sharpened me as iron sharpens iron. How I wish we could share a cup of coffee and a long conversation, apart from the computer screen of course! I don't feel so silly anymore (at least not quite as silly) when I tell people about my "internet friends" because true friends we are. It's crazy, but it's true--even the internet bows to the Lord's purposes, glory to His name!

And, so here we are, 563 posts to date.

And counting.

My meditation all the day

In my Bible reading for today (using this plan though I actually read yesterday's passages today...only three days into the month and already I'm behind...), I read Joshua 3-5 where the Lord God dried up the waters of the Jordan for the Israelites to pass over on dry land. He asked them to set up twelve stones of remembrance "so that all the peoples of the earth may know that the hand of the Lord is mighty, that you may fear the Lord your God forever." What an amazing deliverance! What miraculous power! Just as the Lord delivered the Israelites and "rolled away the reproach of Egypt" so too has He delivered me from the destruction and depravity of my sin and the reproach of my enemy. The Lord is mighty to save!

From Joshua, I turned to Psalm 73 and to some verses I have both claimed and clung to at various points in my journey:

You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will receive me to glory.
Whom have I in heaven but you?
And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

He guides me with the counsel of His Word and there is nothing on earth that compares to Him! How I pray that He would be my one desire, the strength of my heart and my portion forever. The psalm closes with the reminder that it is good to be near God! Yes and amen! He is my refuge!

From Psalms to Mark 1:9-20 where Mark relates the baptism and temptation of Jesus with greater economy of words than his colleagues Matthew and Luke. I also read of Jesus calling His first disciples and was struck once again by the fact that "immediately they left...and followed him." They left families, jobs, all that was familiar and, yes, comfortable. Left it. Immediately. To follow the Christ. I think of my own hesitancy and love of the familiar and the comfortable. May He be my one desire, my portion and my strength--so much so that I leave all to follow. Now. Today.

My reading for today closed with 1 Cor. 1:18-31 and Paul's declaration that God chooses not the powerful but "what is weak in the world...what is low and despised, even things that are not...so that no human being might boast in the presence of God." This is His grace! A comfort to someone like me, someone weak, low and not. I can only boast in the Lord as I cling to the "word of the cross...to us who are being saved it is the power of God." Yes and amen.

Oh, how I love your law!
It is my meditation all the day.

~Ps. 119:97

I knew I should have known better

After much resistance and downright defiance, I caved and decided to delve into the whole Following deal that blogger offers. Of course it has nothing to do with the fact that my "Follower" numbers (finally) reached a respectable level, meaning of course double digits as opposed to single.

Ever one to return a favor, I thought I'd do some following of my own. So I began to go through my list of blog friends located conveniently enough in my google reader, copying and pasting their web locations to the "Blogs I Follow" list.

Except google reader is smarter than me and while I was naming blogs to follow, google added them in my reader under a new folder. So now I have some blogs in my reader twice, some once, some in the old list, some in the new folder and too late I remember I never really wanted to follow the follower craze.

I knew I should have known better.

Can anyone help a sister out? Do I just un-follow everyone I chose to follow? But won't that delete them from my reader? Anyone else as confused as I?

Status Report, April

Sitting...at my dining room table.

Drinking...coffee, black. Coffee that, incidentally, came from Nicaragua by way of a guy who spoke at our church about his mission trip there.

Noting...that I am nearly always on the computer at my dining room table despite the fact that hello? it's a laptop. For some weird reason, I treat it like a desktop.

Weighing...my options for the day. On the one hand: a good book, a cup of a coffee and the sofa. On the other hand: cleaning the dining room. And the living room. And the bathroom. And doing laundry.

Tired...from a busy day yesterday: Bible study followed by the crisis pregnancy center followed by car line followed by a (not so very) quick trip to the cell phone store followed by a (very) quick straightening up of the house / making of snacks followed by hosting the youth of our church for Bible study in our home followed by American Idol followed by falling asleep on the sofa.

Thinking...a trip to the cell phone store is worse than a trip to the doctor and the dentist combined in terms of waiting for-EVER!

Wondering...why it took me so long to volunteer at the crisis pregnancy center. I'm still in what may be a honeymoon stage, but I'm loving it. How I pray I will be found faithful in the proclamation of the good news of Jesus Christ!

Reading...Around the World in Eighty Days for the Classics Bookclub at 5 Minutes for Books posting on Tuesday. I just started it, thus the sofa and the coffee are looking pretty tempting. If you can read 80 Days in the next 4, why don't you join us?

Recently finished...reading Leif Enger's So Brave, Young and Handsome. Wonderful!

Also wondering...if I am boring. No, that's not a question! Yesterday in Bible study we went around the room naming something we liked to do. The other girls listed noble pursuits like cooking or going to the gym. Me, I drew a blank. Cooking and the gym, neither register on my list of things I tolerate much less like. I did list reading and my friend added that I like to drink coffee and eat chocolate. In other words, boring. This ought not be a news flash; I mean, do I not remember the 25 things list?

Needing...among other things, to sort out the boys' fall/winter and spring/summer clothes. Ugh. A loathsome task, indeed, though I ought to be (and am, really I am) grateful they have clothes though my gratitude is tempered by shame at just how much we do have when I consider how many have so little.

Not liking...my haircut I got a couple of weeks ago. I asked my stylist to go a little shorter, which she did, just as I requested. Only I don't like it and can't "do" it. Then my husband tells me he's always liked my hair longer, a fact he claims I've always known. Maybe I have but it only makes me dislike my hair all the more. It will grow, I suppose.

Feeling silly...for posting about my hair. Other bloggers do so with fascinating results; me, it only sounds silly.

On that note...I'm off to put on a load of laundry and then either clean or read, I'm not telling which...