In the middle of the mess

Here I am once again a stranger to my own blog. One would think that after an extended period of non-posting that finding something to say and then saying it would be easy. So much left unsaid means that much left to write about, right? I've discovered the opposite to be true: an unintended writing break carries the unintended consequence of making the return to writing all the more difficult. Or, such is my experience. Can anyone concur?

One of the things I'm finding it hard to write about though it seems it should be an easy enough topic: our Christmas. Some of the highlights: our church's children's music program. Food. Family. Giving. Receiving. Our church's first Christmas Eve service. Carols. The Nativity Story. Humbly pondering God made flesh. Much to be grateful for. Much to inspire worship and wonder. It was good. It was merry. It was also hectic and exhausting and, dare I admit it, stressful.

And today, after all that was merry and bright is now over and done, I am left with the familiar post-Christmas detritus. Boxes, ribbon and stray pieces of wrapping paper littering the floor. Trees and decorations needing to be taken down and put away. Exhaustion. Lethargy. Wishing I'd savored and enjoyed instead of hurried and hustled. Glad it's over but full of regret that I didn't do and be all that I'd wished and wanted.

On a side table in our den is a small, white Nativity that I purchased at a craft show the first Christmas we were married. I treasure the simple, ceramic figures not because they are particularly valuable but because of the sentimentality of our first Christmas together as well as its depiction of the miracle of Christmas, God's indescribable Gift of His Son, Jesus. Mary, Joseph, the angel, the shepherds--how humble, how beautiful, how amazing. The Word became flesh and dwelt among us. Incredible.

Today my humble nativity shares table space with, among other things, a remote, some candy wrappers, a half full container of Whoppers, a couple of books and an empty tea glass. It's a mess. It's my life. Part of me is ashamed at the apparent disregard for the Nativity. A larger part of me is overwhelmed by the realization that just as the small ceramic Jesus is surrounded by the litter and rubble of our home life, so it is that right in the middle of the mess that is my real life, He came. He emptied Himself, taking the form of a man, a baby, not to be put on a remote shelf to be admired from afar. His Nativity--His birth, His life, His death, His resurrection--all are to invade my real life: the mess, the sin, the insufficiencies, the complete and total failures. In spite of it all and because of it all, He came. He seeks. He saves. He forgives. He redeems.

Christmas Meditation

But you, O Bethlehem Ephrathah,

who are too little to be among the clans of Judah,

from you shall come forth for me

one who is to be ruler in Israel,

whose coming forth is from old,

from ancient days.

Therefore he shall give them up until the time

when she who is in labor has given birth;

then the rest of his brothers shall return

to the people of Israel.

And he shall stand and shepherd his flock in the strength of the Lord,

in the majesty of the name of the Lord his God.

And they shall dwell secure, for now he shall be great

to the ends of the earth.

And he shall be their peace.

Micah 5:2-5

And Joseph also went up from Galilee, from the town of Nazareth, to Judea, to the city of David, which is called Bethlehem, because he was of the house and lineage of David, to be registered with Mary, his betrothed, who was with child. And while they were there, the time came for her to give birth. And she gave birth to her firstborn son and wrapped him in swaddling cloths and laid him in a manger because there was no place for them in the inn.

Luke 2:4-7

I am the good shepherd. I know my own and my own know me, just as the Father knows me and I know the Father; and I lay down my life for the sheep.

John 10:14-15

Therefore since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ.

Rom. 5:1

For he himself is our peace...

Eph. 2:14

Ditto

I have nothing new to say. In fact, the things that are on my heart and mind this morning are the same sorts of things I wrote here in this space last year. For instance, last night was the children's Christmas program at my church and my heart was just as full of gratitude as it was last year when I wrote:

It was a good service, nothing new or innovative, just the sweet sounds (and adorable antics) of young children singing of the Christmas baby, Jesus, God-becoming-man.

There in the former office space turned church meeting space, without a single Christmas decoration nor any hanging of the green nor any of the usual accoutrements of church Christmas programs, I worshiped. I rejoiced. And yes, I laughed some (I may be partial, but the kids at our church are some kind of cute). And I thought to myself, "This is church. My church. My church family, my church home."

Certainly the idea was not new to me. I know church is not the building nor the programs nor the Sunday school and not even the Wednesday night suppers (though I must admit those things are sometimes missed when absent). Church is the people, the body of Christ, the family of believers I am called to love in community. I get that. I've gotten that. That Sunday night I realized it anew as I was moved to gratitude for these my fellow sojourners.

I used to think that people who split from other churches, for whatever reason, and began a church plant did so out of fiery passion and fervent zeal. That's what I used to think, but now I know that passion and zeal sustain for time; after that it is mostly work. Hard work. Decisions about where to meet and what to call yourselves and whether there will be enough money--these questions and more kept me up at night. We none of us had any real idea of what we were doing, thus relying heavily on the Lord's direction and the support of each other.

And let me just say that the Lord has been incredibly faithful to us. We have seen His provision over and over and over again, both financially and logistically, but also as He knits our hearts together with common vision and brotherly love...

Ditto. The Lord, He is faithful and good. Last year, this year, and forever, His steadfast love endures.

And, as I complete a year of reading through the Bible, I am once again in the minor prophets, Job, and Revelation, as well as the gospel of John and I once again ponder God's judgment and His mercy:

Not such pleasant reading. In fact, I am tempted to push aside this picture of the Lord's sovereign wrath and His judgment of sin. It's not pretty. It's not pleasant. It doesn't make me feel good. Rather, if I am honest, I am sometimes uncomfortable with a God who, well, judges, and that judgment carrying such dire consequences.

But then I turn to the gospel of John and there I read of Jesus' crucifixion and there I see the Lord's glorious provision for His righteous judgment. Certainly reading the prophets reminds me of my own sin and its serious repercussions; like those to whom the prophets prophesied, I too deserve the Lord's wrath. I've sinned, grievously so, and my sin condemns me to death.

But God...

But God, who is rich in mercy, because of the great love with which He loved me, satisfied His own judgment through the death, burial, and resurrection of His Son, Jesus. Even when I was dead in my sin, lost, undone, doomed, He made me alive in Christ and it is by grace I am saved!

So, I can read Amos and Habbukuk and rejoice that though the Lord's judgment is sure, His grace prevails in the person of Jesus Christ, glory to His name!

Ditto. How great is His grace poured out on a sinner like me! This Christmas season, as we consider the nativity and the birth of Jesus, God-made-man, may we not forget the depth of our sin and our just punishment that was laid on Him, the Savior, Redeemer, and Lord. The cross makes Christmas worth celebrating. Thanks be to God for the indescribable Gift of His Son!

Friday's Fave Five

It's Friday, time for Susanne's weekly Fave Five, a list of five favorite things of the week! My favorites include:

1. The colder weather. It's 36 right now at 12:29 pm. Not terribly cold by some standards (Susanne herself, for example, might consider 36 a heat wave) but it's pretty cold for Alabama! I love it.

2. Getting my hair cut trimmed. I'm growing my hair out in anticipation of my trip to Nicaragua (who wants to worry about a flat iron when a ponytail is so much easier?). As a result, I'm not going to the beauty shop as often as usual, something I miss. I love to get my hair cut!

3. Speaking of my trip to Nicaragua, I got my passport in the mail this week and suddenly it all seems so real! February 6 isn't very far away! Will you pray for me and for our team? Support is so critical--monetary, yes, absolutely, but prayer most definitely...

4. Our first "real" budget meeting as a church. Oh, we had a budget last year but mainly we were just guessing since we had no real idea of what we would receive or spend. So Wednesday we held our first business meeting to discuss our upcoming fiscal year. Budget meetings have never been among my favorite things to do but this one was so exciting as we discussed our vision for missions and for being a part of the Lord's kingdom work around the world.

5. Celebrating my number three son's birthday TODAY! He's TWELVE YEARS OLD! Wow! And, in anticipation of next week's favorites, my number three son's TENTH birthday is Monday! I can't believe how fast my babies grow up...

What are your favorites this week? Post your list and link up over at Susanne's!

Status Report, December

Sitting...on the loveseat in front of the Christmas tree.

Drinking...coffee, black.

Liking...the colder, gray-er weather. I love fall, y'all know that, but I like winter too. Of course, it isn't technically winter yet and some of my Canadian friends may protest we here in the deep South have no concept of winter at all; but still...I like the cold. I suppose it suits my gray melancholy tendencies.

Nearly finished...putting out all the Christmas stuff. I hesitate to call it decor because, really, it's just a hodge podge of things we've collected over the years. No rhyme, no reason and certainly no theme. I put up two trees this year--yes, I did--something I once did in years past before I succumbed to the Grinch-side. We have so many ornaments and I thought, hey, it wouldn't be that much extra trouble. Yeah, that's what I thought. Let's just say multiple trips to Lowe's were involved as well as a serious testing of one's Christmas spirit, whatever that is.

Excited...about the rain boots my sister gave me. I lamented my lack of such boots throughout the wet and rainy football and soccer season. Now that I finally have some, our outdoor sporting events have given way to basketball, which is, as you know, indoors. However, it's wet and rainy today and I'm contemplating wearing them to take my son to the orthodontist but I'm unsure about rain boot protocol. Are they just for outside wear like football and soccer games? Is it a fashion faux pas to wear them to the orthodontist or the grocery store? Any fashionistas out there--please weigh in on this very important topic!

Shopping...nearly completed and nearly all online! Love Cyber Monday!

Reevaluating...my assertion to my husband that I thought I was quitting blogging. I actually thought I was and, yet, here I am. I'm not sure exactly why but this post of Kim's somehow spurred me on. Not sure how long it'll last but evidently I'm not done yet.

Re-reading...Come, Thou Long-Expected Jesus: Experiencing the Peace and Promise of Christmas in celebration of this Advent season. Good stuff.

Missing...three Christmas parties this week because of mommy duties. Bummer.

Avoiding...serious contemplation of my December calendar. Suffice it to say it's C R A Z Y. One day at a time, that's all we can do.

Fighting...for joy during this season. I am a little ashamed at the elusive nature of my joy during this time of celebration of Jesus' birth. I want to blame it on basketball or commercialism or materialism or any of the other pressures, expectations and obligations that characterize December as we know it--but the truth is, I may not feel joy but I can choose it. And I want to. I want to choose to remember and rejoice in wonder and worship. The Word became flesh and dwelt among us and by God's grace we see His glory, the glory of the One and Only. Amen and amen.

Why the last chapter of Hoping for Something Better is my favorite

It's something of a running joke between my friend and me, but after each week's homework/chapter reading of Hoping For Something Better I pronounce that week's chapter my favorite. The truth is, they are all my favorite because all are Bible based, gospel drenched, and Christ glorifying which I think I've already told you.

Except last week's work--I really do think it was my favorite, but perhaps that's because it was the last one so there are no others to supersede its favorite status, or perhaps because so much of its truth spoke (and speaks still) directly into Where I Am Now.

Consider Nancy Guthrie's observations on contentment in her chapter entitled "What Are You Dreaming Of?:

The life of your dreams is not purchased by money, and it is not found in the constant pursuit of one more thing. That is a life of tyranny and dissatisfaction. The life of your dreams is found in learning to be content.

We think we'll be content when we finally get what we want, but real contentment is found when we accept something less than what we want or something other than what we want. That is real freedom. And it doesn't just happen, because this world is telling us, "You deserve it; you've earned it; it is waiting for you." You have to pursue a life of contentment with an unrelenting passion.

Oh, to know the gain of godliness with contentment. How easily I fall into the trap of comparison and its ever present companion, discontent. How can I pursue contentment? I'm not sure exactly but I think it begins with gratitude and an acknowledgement of the goodness and mercy of my God.

Wait, there's more. Nancy writes of a sacrifice of acceptance as a part of the life of our dreams:

We were hoping to turn heads with our beauty and brilliance, and instead the author to the Hebrews is telling us that real satisfaction is found in sharing the disgrace of Jesus on the cross...we've dreamed of acceptance, and he is calling us to a life of being rejected because of our identification with Christ. He is calling us to the life of an outsider when we so love the power and thrills that come with being on the inside track. While we thought that our dreams would come true by being applauded and lauded by the crowd, he calls us to share not the applause but the reproach of Jesus.

I want to be like Moses, choosing the reproach of Christ over the treasures of the world, to go outside the camp, outside the boundaries of acceptance and people pleasing in order to follow Christ in sacrificial obedience. I want it; I'm not sure how to live it.

One more extended quote (I promise not to type out the entire chapter though it's tempting). Here Nancy is speaking of our dreams and how we know which are of God and which are of our own ambition. Here I did lots of underlining and starring in my book because this is a message so easily mixed up in the popular self fulfillment gospel masking itself as finding God's will for your life. You've heard it, I know I have, that God desires to grant you every desire of your heart: dream it and He'll do it. But not all my dreams have come true; have yours? What does that say about me? My dreams? God? Consider:

We're right to question carefully the origin of our dreams. We are right to test them carefully. Because sometimes it is hard to tell where our own ambition ends and God's dream begins. But here is how we know, I think: When they are our ambitions, we find ourselves trying to push open doors for ourselves. When the dream is from God, we plan and prepare but we don't push. When our dream is motivated by our own ambition, we want to measure success by how much, how many, how often. But the work of the Spirit is not measurable in those terms. If the dream is from God, we're content to wait on his timing, accept his way of doing it, and accept the results he brings about. We don't make demands. We're not pushing an agenda. We're not seeking to be somebody. We just want to be usable to God. We want to be ordinary vessels of clay that he can use for whatever purpose he has in mind--impressive or ordinary, visible or behind the scenes, big or small. That is the fulfillment of our dreams--to be used by God to build his Kingdom. That is the ultimate thrill of life--a dream worthy of all our energies and emotion. Jesus replaces our small-minded, self-centered, earthbound dreams with dreams that are worth our pursuit.

When a dream is from God, our heads do not swell with pride in our accomplishment because we are fully aware of where our abilities and opportunities come from. We realize that God has been faithful to "equip [us] with everything good for doing his will." He gives us the abilities, the opportunities, everything we need. He opens doors for us so that we can walk through them with the confidence that he is in it, he has done it, and he will do it.

...Is it a dream that will help you to draw near, or will it take you away from or distract you from Christ? If it is from God, I guarantee you it will move you closer to Christ and make you more dependent on Christ's power, because that is what he wants.

Last night I heard my friend describe her dream. She and her family are stateside for a couple of months before they go halfway around the world to live, work, and share the light of Christ with a people in dark desperation. In her dream her home is filled with nationals and she is serving them with gospel joy. I was humbled as I considered my own dreams, or the lack thereof, and I prayed for gospel dreams--God-given, Kingdom-building, Christ-glorifying dreams.

What would you say just before brain surgery? Should you come face to face with your own mortality what would your testimony be? I've been pondering these questions in my own heart as I've followed the journey of pastor Matt Chandler. His unswerving faith in the sufficiency of Christ is encouraging and challenging. Even if you've never heard of him nor his ministry, I encourage you to go watch this message recorded before the procedure. Facing the uncertainty inherent in this kind of operation he asserts that not only has the Lord been faithful in the blessings, the good things and the victories, He is also worthy to be exalted in THIS. Go. Watch. Now.

Words worth pondering

I have benefited greatly from listening to Matt Chandler's sermons via podcast. He is the pastor of the Village Church in Texas and today he is scheduled to have surgery to remove a mass on his right frontal lobe. This morning he posted My Heart is Full...and I Am Thankful. Go, read it, and be moved and challenged by his expression of faith and joy in the sovereign God of all who does all things well...

Who is sufficient?

This morning will be the last session of our current Bible study. We've been studying Hebrews using Nancy Guthrie's workbook, Hoping for Something Better. I am generally nostalgic as we come to the close of a Bible study unit and this time, this study, is no different. I've logged in several posts here at this site expressing my gratitude for my Bible study group and for the times we've spent together in God's Word and everything I've written before could be said here again, today.

Today I feel the same humility and gratitude, that same sense of being overwhelmed at the grace and goodness of God. Who am I that He would allow the privilege of not only being a part of such a group but to (presumably) lead it? And my friends and sisters who actually come--I tell them their presence is evidence of God's grace to me, to us all, and it humbles me when I think of it.

Today I also feel the urge to rewind, to start over, to do it all again only better. This study has been so rich, so good, so convicting, so full of those painful things that make Bible study what it ought to be, so Jesus-saturated and God-glorifying--that I know I didn't learn all I should have. It can't be over, part of me protests, because I have so much more to receive, so much more I didn't do...

I see today my failings as a Bible teacher and they are many. I wonder again at the Lord's call on my life and marvel that He is sufficient and I am not. I am obviously, painfully, humiliatingly not. I think of Paul's words in 2 Cor. 3:4-6 as he answers his own earlier question, "Who is sufficient for these things?" (2 Cor. 2:16)...

Such is the confidence that we have through Christ toward God. Not that we are sufficient in ourselves to claim anything as coming from us, but our sufficiency is from God who has made us competent to be ministers of a new covenant, not of the letter but of the Spirit.

Who is sufficient? Not I. My confidence is through Christ and my sufficiency is only found in Him. He calls; He equips; He is faithful and He will do it.

To my friends who have been faithful to meet each Wednesday morning, I hope you know how thankful I am for you and for our shared journey through God's Word. I cannot wait to resume again in January and see what the Lord will do! HE is faithful!

In everything giving thanks-finally!

Because I want to finish what I started...

24-I thank God for evenings spent with friends sitting around the dining room table, drinking coffee, and talking of the things of the Lord.

25-I am thankful for friends who are faithful to God's call to share the gospel in far away places dark and desperate for the light of Christ. For them, obedience is far more important and of far greater value than comfort and security or any other lesser treasure this life offers--so they leave family and friends behind and go and tell...

26-I am thankful too for the kind of bond between friends that time and distance cannot weaken. Jesus makes our friendships richer!

27-I am grateful for home. This home, my and my husband's home, yes indeed--but I am also grateful for my parents' home and the opportunity to be there, with them, and with my sister and brother and their families.

28-I cannot mention Thanksgiving without being thankful for my mom's cooking. Yes and amen.

29-And, since I've already expressed my gratitude for my younger two, I am also thankful for being mom to my two oldest sons. They are now taller than me and quickly growing into men. My learning curve as a mom has been steep (and only getting steeper can I get an amen?) but what a ride! Motherhood is surely the most challenging and most rewarding call on my life. My boys have taught me my own frailties, yes, but also God's glorious sufficiency as well as what it is to love deeply, wholly and unreservedly. I thank God for allowing me the privilege of being a mom to each of my four priority blessings. What grace, what blessing.

Number One son at 6 and 15 years old:

Number 2 son at 5 and 13 years old:

The brothers together before a bicycle race this summer:

30-And, finally, I am thankful for the internet and for blogging and for those of you who have challenged and encouraged me through your thoughts and writings. I am glad for the opportunity blogging has given me to express my journey here in a forum like this. I am grateful for my friends and fellow bloggers, for our email conversations, and for our friendship that never would have existed apart from the world wide web. I am glad for you, the reader, and am humbled that you actually read these confessions and conundrums. As I struggle to decide where blogging falls in my real life priorities, I am encouraged to know there are women out there reading, ordinary women just like me seeking to serve the Lord Jesus as best they can in and through their ordinary lives. May the Lord return to you many times over the blessings you have extended to me through your visits, comments and emails!

Give thanks to the Lord for He is good! His love endures forever!